From an outsider, grow to be an insider and back again as an outsider.

An outsider looking in..

I work in a rather peculiar environment. There, I said it.

I won't start criticizing how things operate there, the people, work and the rest. I don't see the point in doing so other than spreading negative image and it's not likely they would read this and agree to what I say. Besides, no need for outsiders to know right? Sorry guys, this ain’t gonna be one of those secretive whiney-complain blog.. so no juicy stuff here :p.

Anyway, I'm aware there are always plus-minus to every kind of office you work in. You have office politics, unfairness, gossips, cliques and those formed the nature of the working environment. I'm not sure how the people there decided the kind of environment they want when it was first established, but it's not really Indonesian, nor American. Just a mixed of both but produce a weird kinda atmosphere. Previous to this company I worked in a Canadian company. When I first joined, I thought "Cool, Canadian and American working culture won't be far too different. Don't think I will have any problem adapting." I was proven wrong on the first few weeks. Strange as it may seem, I experienced culture shock.

Probation period: three months. It's a time frame for me to work, to get to know the system and the operation and then I will get my first appraisal. It would only be fair if the company also go through my own personal assessment from me, from which I can decide to stick around or move on. I call it grace period. Sad to say, the period never ends.

Am I the only person feeling like this? I can tell you it’s not, but instead of having fun pointing finger at other people, I try to observe the 'problem' within. Maybe I’m the one who is at fault. Maybe I just never feel welcome as part of the group, I don't blend in, simply a misfit.

A distant insider...

Learning the work system didn't take much time nor effort. Once you get around the routine, you're on the run. It doesn't change, let alone develop. If you're smart you got enough space to improve the system.

Floating. That would be the best word I would use to describe my feeling working there. You wait and wait to land somewhere, but you never feel safe to do so. You're wary most of the time and I tell you, it's exhausting. "C'mon, what worse could happen working as a secretary", you may think. A lot! Especially when you’re completely alone. You have no supervisor that would back you up, you have nobody you could regard as an ally, and you're aware that the people under your supervision don't deserve to be treated the way others treat you. You're entirely on your own. A walking bumper.

Am I exaggerating? No. It's tough enough when most of the time you're simply ignored. The challenge sitting there increased when you realize that you're an easy target. Either by your boss, or other higher rank officers. No matter how hard you try to work your best, there's always something you can be blamed for. It's not fun sitting in a 'hot seat'.

Non-reversible...

It's not all that bad though, had some friendly moments, it's such a shame that most of the time they were perfunctory. The arrival of two new staff around my age changed the situation a bit. Not much though.

After two years, you grow into the habit, cautious thickens in your blood and you're always 'on guard'. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, it's just that I sometimes miss just having plain fun with colleagues. Chat and tease without having to be careful that what you say might be used against you in the future. I miss being carefree. It seems like being wary will always be part of me wherever I go, and whomever I deal with *sigh*.

Interesting how people start to look at you slightly different the next minute you submit your resignation. It's nice to know that they think you're lucky, and found a way to get out of there. Then bali!! If only I could tell it to their face that if things weren't the way it is I won’t even give a thought of moving.

More pep-talk. You wouldn't believe the things you will find out that you wish you had known, also the things you're glad you didn't know. Life sure has funny twists every now and then. Now I'm on my way to make a graceful exit, on to the next phase of my life.

farewell already?

How nice of Ari, a dear friend of mine to arrange farewell dinner before I leave for Bali.

Thanks a bunch, Ri!!

Assignment:

What one thing could happen right now to spoil this perfect
Saturday??

Phone calls. Unwanted phone calss could spoil the mood also, so does wanted phone calls but never rings.

It's bad enough to receive a phone call from the office informing that I have to come to the office. Thank God that’s not likely to happen in my office. The only times I did overtime was when I knew exactly that the upcoming week will be a hectic one so I needed to prepare things in advance.

Most Saturdays are relatively busy because it’s the only time I can run my errands, and do house works (ngebabu, gitu! :D). Car breakdown sure would send me over the edge. Imagine you're stuck in the middle of the street on a hot sunny day (like right now) and you haven't got a clue what to do to fix the car.

But those aren't as bad as being stood up on a date. Worse scenario would be you are all set for a date, you've been waiting for the longest time but it didn't happen. You prepared all day (groom yourself, pick your best clothes or dress - if not buy a new one - and took a long cleansing bath). You wait and wait, but there's only you sitting by yourself, not knowing whether to keep on waiting or to scream. No news, no apology. Big time!!

Tell you what, the next time it happen to you, just give a good friend of yours a call. Since you're all set to go out, why not just go. Forget the loser and have fun!!

;)

Assignment:

write about a stranger you see everyday or have encountered in the past. Describe them and why you chose to notice them.

I work in a govt office building and they occupy the whole floors except one. You know how you're familiar with strangers who share the elevator with you on specific times. So they'e familiar strangers, I might say.

One time I came a bit late (why was it.. can't remember). Went into the elevator with two other people, who from their uniform must be pegawai negri (govt officer). They were chatting and just out of the blue this one man just pushed all the buttons of every floor. I was like "Hello.. I'm late here & I don’t think everybody here likes to take a ride to every floor!!" Quite surprising to see a man at his age (must be on his 40s) to play kid’s prank.

They kept chatting till he got off on the 2nd floor. It must be a bad habit of him cuz his friend acted like nothing happened, just enjoyed the ride and got off on the 4th . Well, I guess "nothing" happened really, I was making too much fuss about it. Good thing it was a seven story building, imagine working in taller building like say, BNI 46.

Assignment:

has anyone ever told you something that has stayed with you throughout your life? Is there a comment or observation that you heard and you will never forgot? Was it positive or negative? Why has the message stayed with you?

Pretty intriguing. Throughout my life of course I've received tons of comments and/or observations. Some are negative, some are positive. What matters is how to respond to it, how I react(ed). Tried to balance them, ie. not to get big-headed when I receive a compliment (remember to say thank you and smile) and use the negative ones as a tool to observe myself.

One comment that sticks in my head came from a lady after a job interview years back. Can't remember exactly what she said but it's something like "your eyes wander". Until now I'm still wondering what made she think that. Perhaps during the interview I tend to look elsewhere while thinking how to answer her questions. So I'm not sure if it's negative or positive, but from then on I try to keep my eyes focus on the counterpart's while talking. Nope, I didn't get the job. I wonder what her comment will be to a person who has crossed-eyes.

Another comment that has stayed and always will is a positive one. "You are loved". Wonderful, isn't it? No matter what, there's someone loves you. If the person isn't with you anymore, I know that God will always love me. And u too ;)

Assignment:

what does the smallest part of you want to do?

- eat a big scoop of ice cream (what kind? depends on what there is in the store ;))
- have a loooooong vacation
- right now... just go home and then go for a swim.

wanna join?? ;)

Assignment:

what is your current state of mind?

How my current life is full of "waits. It seems like time moves so ssslllooooooowww & progress is non-existant. Think it starts to drive me crazy....

A watched pot never boils.. – proverb

Making a mental note based on the proverb, I would just live my life, day in-day out with the assurance that when the time comes, everything will fall into their places.

Assignment:

name someone you are jealous of. A sibbling? A celebrity? A group of people? Why are you jealous of them? what do you think about jealousy in general?

Maybe I try to answer it reversely, starting from the last question. To make it simple, jealousy, while it's still mild better to be killed. The more you feed it, the more poisonous it will become, you know like the sprouting snakes in medusa’s hair.

Think the people I'm most jealous of are those who got it all so easily but appreciate not what they have, as if they deserve their good fortune and all the good things that happen to them are automatic. They are everywhere, showing off their success in the most cocky way.

Enuff said, don't want to feed it ;)

a week of prompts

I've been a member of a journal mailing list and every now and then they give prompt (ideas or topics for a journal). For the week I will try to write each prompt daily. Perhaps it can be an idea for you too... You're free to copy a prompt for your own writing, & are welcome to just write it in the commentary box. Even that's too much effort? Just use it for ruminating by yourself ;)

too many news?

“Changing city and job at the same time, which means starting from scratch?? Have to get used to the new job, new boss, but also live in a new neighborhood, adjusting to a new environment, new set of friends, new bed!! That’s too many “news” to swallow at once!”

Accidently ran through that statement from a very good old friend of mine in one of his emails (yup, still in the cleaning up session). We were discussing about another friend back then and funny I coincidently (?) reread it again when I’m actually in the same situation now. Hmm.. I tried not to let it get into me my head, but couldn’t help not to think about it either.

Darn!

m-o-v-i-n-g

I really prefer not to think about the M word. It’s there, hanging in the back of my head, listing all the things need to be done. It’s not that many, if I can summarize it into one task it’ll be sorting out my belongings. And my belongings aren’t that many either. I’ve a small room and all the years I prevent myself from buying stuff that have no practical functions. That includes any kind of decorations. They may be nice to look at, but serves nothing but dust collector. Not that I don’t like them, but with my limited time to clean up (no pembantu or anybody shall mess up with my room, thank you very much!), I rather reduce the work. So I manage to have decoration as minimum as possible. Even when my mom gave me a framed picture of me in my graduation kebaya + toga, I only hang it for a short while and off it went into the cupboard. Sorry mom.. ^_^

Hmm.. guess I’m more ready to move anytime than I realize. Now that the time has come, I have to start anytime soon. So now is better than rushing before December. I took all the books from my cupboard and put them all in 2 containers. Only left the ones I will take with me. Even that’s still a lot. Next was sorting out the junks. The junks we saved… Things at one time we treasure.. Or things we think might be useful one day (but that ‘one day’ never come). What are your junks?? Mine
+ books when I skimmed through the second time decided not worth reading. One is titled “You” by T. Lobsang Rampa. Why I bought it is a different story.
+ old magazines
+ huge pile of papers
+ unused hand gloves (puzzling huh?)
+ boxes
+ broken pens, pencils, and other stationeries
+ old cd/vcd I haven’t been listening/watching and will never
+ expired make ups
+ classic perfumes, like Channel #5 (that’s like oh-so decades ago!).

Some went to the main house, to be used by anybody who needs it, but most of it went diretly to the bin. The hardest part was sorting those papers. I’ve been saving them all this time and now I’ve to throw them away?? Aaawwww…. :((

What are they, you might think? Nosy! :p

Well, those were article clippings about anything, expired working contracts, list of contacts, old emails (even way back from 5-6 yrs ago.. too bad CDR weren’t as popular as it is now, it would have saved a lot of papers.. and space!). So I decided to just throw away the very old ones and have expired info. The rest (mostly emails) can go back in as I really don’t have time going through them one by one. Sure will take me back to the past, along with all the memories and emotions. Don’t have the time to deal with such right now. Too many blaahhss...

tGif

HUNGRY!!!

Totally unprepared for the 1st day of ramadhan (sp?). Now i'm stuck in the office with nothing to eat. It seems all the street food vendors have conspired in making sure the whole city to fast. What about the rest of us, who aren't fasting??

So here i am trying to think and write this while munching some wafers and small ritter sport choco bar. Yummm.. Oops, better watch the calories...

who messed up with my computer?

Perhaps messing up is a bit strong word, if the person who caused it didn't mean to do it. Perhaps the intention was just to update some programs, or protect the computer from viruses. whatever it is, the result is annoying. I cannot open my own blog. It's the blog you are reading now. Tried to access it in another computer still no luck. Finally opened at home and in cyber cafe. Luckily I still could log in and make entries. Oh well... guess it just have to do...

1998600000

Been playing with numbers.
Not just any number, but one peculiar set.
Wonder if I can crack it successfully..

8090106090 9100800906 6100809090 1009090806 8190006090 0801090609
1090090086 0809010609 8060109090 0809010906 1008060900 6100809090

millions of combination... unless it starts with 0816-*******
even that could make.... more than 800000 combinations. How to figured it out?

Since when did a supermarket gained new function as family picnic site?

The place itself (went to Carefour Duta Merlin) was already overloaded without those kids running around from one aisle to another. I wondered how could the find a supermarket as another playground...? I guess it must be very fun picking all the snacks you want and toss them in your mom's shopping cart.

But not all of them were having fun. Some looked quite distressed sitting in the front 'seat' of the trolley. Screaming to go home. Poor kiddo.. Poor mommy.. Poor the rest of us who had to endure the noise.

I was quite surprised to see one of the telletubies character was there. It's normal if they appear in shopping malls. But in this hypermarket? Well, perhaps the management thought it was a brilliant idea to combine shop - picnic. The kids could play with it (excuse me, am not sure what the gender of the teletubbies clowns), shake hands, even have their picture taken.

Hectic. I dashed my way out as soon as I got the stuff I went there for. Of course, only after my picture was taken... which happened by accident. I was rushing to an aisle and didn't know there was a photo session. Managed to smile :)) Hehe... the family must be honored to have an extra 'member'

Those life’s lessons

The downside of being indecisive: tough to settle with one decision, kept listening what other people say.

Worse case scenario: having something and/or someone make THE decision. It hurt the ego, especially for someone who considers oneself a complete autonomy person.

The decision was already made, but on the back of my head I kept going back and forth. Is this the right thing? How can I be sure I made the right decision? Did I overlook something? Will I regret it? Those silently crept into my mind and so obtuse I let it keep on going until something hit me.

Hit me REAL HARD.

My ego was hurt (if not crushed) and damage's done.*

To look at the bright side, it's a clear sign (crystal clear) that the decision was the right one and there's no turning back. Time will see it through, I'll just continue my life, fight my doubts and fears, and hope for the best.

*Really sorry I can't elaborate what happened. Maybe one day, maybe never, but not here.

Sitting outside the house doing nothing but playing with silly puppies. October wind is pleasant, with a hint of rain. Don’t you just love the smell of rain?

Nothing significant, just enjoying nice quiet thinking time. Let myself sink deep in the dark silence…

the w a i t i n g game

back in the office, back to my regular routine. busy as usual. working like nothing happened, like nothing is going to either.

am in the waiting state (don't we all?), anticipating the continuation of the job offer, observing how serious they are in hiring me. the ball’s in their court, which is to send me the draft contract.

said i'm having second thought coz i was informed that el bozz got a bit creative and decided to change some stuff. changed my job outline and the counterpart. wonder if he’ll change the remuneration also ;)

so i just sit here and wait. i got nothing to lose... right?

fortune cookies (bring fortunes?)

“you can do whatever you want if you put your mind on it.”

true, but sounds too generic, doncha think? it could’ve been taken from any kind of writing, even from day-to-day conversation. this one i got from a fortune cookie. there are lots of chinese restos in jakarta, but not many present fortune cookie at the end of the meal. i’m not really into those hocus pocus fortune telling thang, but i took one just for the fun of it.

the cookie itself is simple, the one i got is orange-colored, no odor and feels crunchy (i said ‘feels’ coz i don’t think it’s edible – tho it’s called cookie – so i only crashed it). i wonder where they produce it in indo.

read some time ago that in the US it’s a big business coz chinese restos are expanding there. it should be edible, coz they even produce it in different tastes (unlike here), such as citrus, vanilla, chocolate, etc. one company could produce as much as one container daily. yep, one container! on the contrary, ironically the same company tried to expand their business by exporting to China but they failed.

what make me wonder was why can’t they make more authentic or original messages. not as plain as:
-- you will be sharing great news with all the people you love
-- nothing gets in the way of your vision of yourself in the future

why not something fun like:
-- you’ll be rich and famous
-- the hunk next door will call you next tuesday

of course nobody wants to read
-- the rainy season will deliver lots of water to (of course!)
-- pain can be really hurt eventhough it happens to someone else

or other similar dreadful ‘prophecy’, although it pops out of a fortune cookie. yet people can be ridiculously superstitious. surely neither the restos nor the producer don’t want to make themselves out of business by ‘spreading’ bad fortunes. don’t think they wanna read what’s in the cookies either :p.